Learning and growing from the past

Over four years ago, I heard some news that shook my world and turned it upside down. It took me a little while to get over it and figure out why it had to happen. I was ashamed though because I brought it upon myself so I kept it to myself except for a few select people. But I'm finally ready to talk about it.

Beginning of 2010 I was at BYU-Idaho in a tough semester on my very last thread of sanity. I had two jobs and was taking 18 credits. I was on my fifth full time semester in a row with. Then at the beginning of the semester my brace broke so I had to traipse up and down the snowy hills with poor balance. I also wasn't as good as I thought I was at balancing my desire to have a busy schedule.

So I put a lot of things upon myself without the tools necessary to handle it all. I did it to myself and I know it.

I ended up not doing as well on my grades as I thought I did. I got put on academic suspension. I had to leave BYUI for a year and get at least a 2.0 GPA with at least 12 credits at another school before I could go back.

I was devastated and embarrassed. I had to call home and tell my parents what happened and suddenly figure out what I was going to do with my life for the next year. I knew I could go stay with my family but after living on my own I didn't want to do that unless I needed to. Luckily for me I had a family I was close with that let me come stay with them in Spanish Fork for a bit while I found a job and a place to live.

Two months later, I had a job and an apartment. I got started at the nearby university towards the end of my year requirement so that I could go back to my beloved school.

But to my surprise, when my year was up I didn't want to leave.

I had grown attached to my new life in Utah. I had made some great friends and new connections and I loved it. Then I got confirmation that I did need to stay.

So I stayed. I wasn't sure why but for some reason I needed to stay. The longer I stayed, the more I loved it.

Still though, I hid my reasoning for leaving Idaho. I avoided the question and kept it a secret from anyone who I deemed "unworthy" to know.

But I have finally moved on.

It's taken a while, but I am done hiding. I may not be proud of my prior mistakes, but I have overcome them, learned from them and grown from them.

It may have taken longer than I originally planned, but I'm graduating in April in a field that I never before imagined me loving. From leaving Idaho, I took off my career blinders and allowed myself to develop other talents I had and some that I didn't know I had. And because of that, I'm grateful that I had to leave Idaho. Because of that window opening, I have made some of the best friends that I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky to have them.

The amazing thing that I didn't realize until recently was how much I have focused on doing the best that I could and how much that effort was paying off.

Wednesday, October 22 I was inducted into the Lambda Pi Eta: Alpha Beta Beta, a National Honor Society. In order to be eligible for this, you had to be a junior or senior, have at least a 3.0 overall GPA, at least a 3.25 GPA in your communication core and be in the top 1/3 of the graduating class. Once you join the society, you are a lifetime member. I also will wear honor cords with my cap and gown at graduation.

It was after receiving notice about being eligible for this society that I realized how far I have come. Never mind that it took me 7 years to graduate. I have been on the path that I needed to be on the whole time. My mind just didn't catch up with it until now.

Upcoming status: Amanda Hollman, proud graduate with honor society standing and a lot of life experience under her belt and unashamed of her past.

The Sleep Deprived Lifestyle of a College Senior

While writing once a month isn't prime, at least it's better than before! I'm really trying to do better with updating this but with my crazy life it gets difficult.

This semester hit the ground running without much time to catch up with it. While I love all my classes, they are a lot of work. Both of my art classes give assignments over the weekend to work on, and they are typically not quick ones. My PR class has a quiz each day on the chapter we had to read, which is never short. Comm law is just plain intense (I mean, it's law so really it's expected). My theories class requires the least amount of work and I really enjoy what I'm learning so that's not bad at all. All in all, I'm pretty busy with school but I'm learning a lot and I am enjoying it all so I try not to complain too much.

Despite the workload, I am so glad that I chose to take my two art classes. I have learned so much about different techniques and it's helped develop my skills. I'll post pictures of them when I get them back from portfolio so you guys can give me feedback too :)

A couple weeks ago I got the chance to meet one of my heroes: Noelle Pikus-Pace. If you don't know who she is, I'll give you a brief recap. She got the silver medal in the 2014 Olympics for the US. A few years ago she was badly injured when a bobsled ran off course and ran into her leg-ya, serious broken bones-but she pulled through it like a champ and went back to the Olympics. She also went to UVU when it was UVSC and she was the keynote speaker for a leadership training last year. Ever since then I have wanted to meet her.

A few months ago I sent her a message via her website just telling her that I admire her and a little about my life. She sent me a sweet message in reply.

She came to the Deseret Book near my house to do a book signing and I was super excited and determined to fit it in my schedule. I had a Relief Society activity that I was partially in charge of that started a half hour after the book signing started. So I got to the store early to make sure that I was in the beginning of the line. Since I was 3rd in line, I got up to the table pretty quickly. She was really nice and in the conversation I mentioned the message she had sent me. It just took a couple words for her to remember who I was and she stopped signing and said she had to give me a hug.

It was a great experience. Plus, I even made it to my activity with a little time to spare.

When she realized who I was

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to go up to Rexburg to escort my sister through the temple. It was so good to be able to be there and to help her with that experience. It was a short weekend but it was definitely great. I also got to participate with many others in Utah in the re-dedication of the Ogden, Utah temple. I forgot how much I love those meetings. It was truly a blessing to be able to attend in my stake center that acted as an extension of the temple.

PS, I was slouching-she is so not that much taller than me!

I look forward to plowing forward with this semester and the wonderful adventures that are in store!

Kicking off Senior Year

A few weeks ago I was talking with my friend about how we were both heading into our senior year of our undergrad and realizing that in less than a year we would hopefully have a full time job and figuring out what we're doing with the rest of our lives.

It's quite intimidating actually. I mean, I've been going to school for 6 years (it'll be 7 when I finish) and I don't really know how to live life without going to school. I did do it for a year when I moved to Utah so I could get in-state tuition but let's face it, I was a bump on a log that year working part time and really doing nothing else. We're talking about the real world here! It's crazy.

Well in this conversation with my friend I told her that I'd probably have major senioritis since I've been going to school for so long. She said something that changed my perspective on this final year:

It's the last year before everything changes. We'll never be in this situation again; make the most of it.

I've been pondering that thought since that conversation and it has really got me charged up for this year. I am so excited to see what I can learn, what experiences I can have and what life has in store for me both while I finish up my bachelor's degree and what comes after.

I headed to my first day of classes with this new found energy and drive. It made all the difference: I am so stoked for this semester! I'm working on classes for both my major (journalism) and my minor (digital media-where I'm taking web classes and art classes to get graphic design skills) so I have a few of each kind this semester.

My first class of the week is 2D Design. We were only in class for 20 minutes (it's usually a 2 1/2 hour class) before he let us out to get supplies but I'm so excited for it! We get to draw, paint and I'm not even sure what else we're doing but I'm excited to see my art skills develop over the course of the semester.

After that art class I go to Theories of Communication and Culture. I was a little intimidated for the class before I even went because it just sounds intense but from the moment I got in the classroom I changed my mind. The teacher is energetic and so happy to be there. There are at least a half dozen students who have taken at least 1 class from her before and they raved about her classes. I know a few people in the class too so that'll be helpful.

My first class of the alternate days is Basic Drawing. This is a drawing class for non-majors and it's all about learning skills to draw. There students vary from "I know I can't draw" to a girl who was sketching while we waited for the teacher to come and since I'm in between those levels, I totally feel comfortable in that group. The professor said that his goal for the semester is to improve our drawing and he said that we should be able to see an improvement in just 3 weeks. Like I said for my other art class, I'm excited to see how I'll improve. The teacher also said that taking these 2 art classes together is super helpful since they teach similar things but in different ways.

Next I go to Free Expression in a Democratic Society. Yes, it is as intimidating as it sounds haha. This is a law based class, especially about the first amendment, so that as journalists we know what rights we do and do not have. The class is based almost entirely on tests (best 2 of 3 exams, a quiz, a small assignment and coming to class) so I'll be studying a bunch this semester.

My last class is Public Relations. I'm taking this with a newspaper friend of mine, which will be great so we can study together. The teacher has all kinds of experience in the field and he just loves what he does.

I found a website/app that you put in all of your homework assignments and it helps keep you and your deadlines organized. It works on my laptop, tablet and phone, which is really nice for whatever device I happen to be using at the time. So far it seems like it's my style of organization so I'm excited to see how it'll help keep me balanced and not to procrastinate.

I'm again on the UVU Review staff, this time as the Culture Editor (basically, online only Lifestyle section). My section covers primarily the arts with other culture like stuff in the mix too. It's been slow this summer but it'll get rolling in September so that'll be a fun addition to my semester and my senior year.

Well, I hope to update this throughout the semester to let you know how it's going, but I'm not guaranteeing anything because I don't have a very good track record at keeping this up haha.

Here's to having a great second to last semester!

Making the most of my little infinity

This weekend I saw The Fault in Our Stars for the second time (yes, I have seen it twice). The first time was all about the story and tears. This second time gave me time to contemplate the meaning behind the story more, and it definitely had some personal comparison to it.

If you haven't seen it yet, don't worry. I'm not gonna give anything away-no spoilers here! (I kept it vague).

To give you a little background, the movie is about two teenagers, Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, who have cancer and fall in love. It's definitely a chick flick-tissues recommended!

During the film, I found myself comparing Hazel's thoughts and experiences to how I frequently feel in my life. Between her frequent doctor appointments and looks she gets from other people who don't know what's going on, I definitely sympathized with her (on a different level but even still, I understood).

After hearing some bad news, Hazel admitted to Augustus that she "[didn't] really want this particular life." She was feeling especially depressed because of the bad news so she probably was exaggerating, but to a small degree she really did mean it.

I'll admit that when I saw and heard this scene, I thought "ya, I've been there." When several disappointing things happen in a short period of time, it brings even the optimistic of people down.

It didn't take me long to think of all the good that has come from me having the life I do. Yes, at times I have wished that I wasn't born with MD, but I always remember how incredibly blessed I have been because of the experiences I've had from the cards that have been dealt in my life. Luckily, the depressing side of me doesn't come out often and when it does appear I have great friends that help pull me back up.

There is a scene where Hazel goes to a place that doesn't have an elevator so she has to climb a bunch of stairs (well, she chose to go knowing there was a bunch of steep stairs). Now, Hazel has breathing problems (hence the oxygen tube under her nose) so stairs are a challenge for her. Not wanting to be defeated, she braves the stairs despite the fact that she struggles to breathe throughout the climb. Plus, she's stubborn and wants to carry her oxygen bag herself and climb the stairs without help. Eventually she gives in and lets someone carry her bag while Gus makes sure that she's ok and encourages her.

Like Hazel, while stairs are possible for me to do, a bunch of stairs is a challenge. I hate asking for help and accepting help when offered requires me to give up some of my independence. Plus, I'm also super stubborn (though I've gotten better since living with a certain friend who helped me tone it down). The whole scene I sympathized with her and her dedication to accomplish the task, no matter how difficult it was. Along with her, I realized that when you let someone else take some of the load it benefits both parties, not a surrender of willpower. It was an epiphanic moment for me, realizing that when I hold up a group behind me that they really don't mind as much as I think they do and that those who offer help aren't just asking out of pity but that they really do care and want to help ease my burden.

I love Hazel and Gus' relationship. She has a little bit of a pessimistic view of life while he tends to be an optimist. When she tries to push him away telling him that she's a grenade that's going to explode and she is trying to "minimize the casualties," he doesn't care and continues to pursue her anyway because "it'd be a privilege to have [his] heart broken by [her]." They balance each other out well, pulling each other up as needed.

While I do not yet have a significant other to keep my little pessimistic side in check, I do have my Savior and the friends He has given me to help pull me up when I'm down. I'm ever so appreciative of them and their ability to know just what to say to help get me back up.

To tie it all together, I'll use the same example that Hazel did in one scene. Math.

"There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or 0 and a million. Some infinities are simply bigger than other infinities...I want more numbers than I'm likely to get...I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity."

While my infinity (here in mortality) isn't likely to be as big as others', I'm so grateful for my little infinity and I'm determined to make the most of it. I want to live my life as Gus said: "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up," focusing on the climb and the adventure of life, rather than wishing and hoping for something else that is seemingly better. The life that we're living may have its bumps and may not seem to be the brightest crayon in the box, but that doesn't make it any less valuable than another. Everyone has their part to play and they will grow to be something grand.

"It is a good life, Hazel Grace." Yes, Augustus, it is. It's a very good life and I intend to make the most of my little infinity.

I have been blessed

♫ I have been blessed ♫

And I feel like I’ve found my way

I thank God for all I’ve been given

At the end of every day

I have been blessed

With so much more than I deserve

To be here with the ones

That love me

To love them so much it hurts

I have been blessed

This chorus is seriously how I feel right now about my life. I have so much going on in my life and I should be feeling stressed out but instead I feel incredibly blessed. Let me explain.

In October, I got the feeling that it was probably time to move out of the Orem YSA 32 ward. I had this thought before, though after ponder and prayer I got the answer that I needed to stay a while longer. This time that the feeling came, my answer was confirmed that I needed to move.

The very night that I decided to move out I set up 5 appointments to look at apartments in Provo. I looked at one duplex that night and ended up deciding to move there since it was a great place. Perfect location, my own room, laundry a few feet away from my bedroom, a piano, lots of room and all at a fantastic price.

I bought a contract from a girl who was getting married though at the time she didn’t have a place to move into yet. The estimated move in date I was given was 5 weeks after my other apartment ended so I ended up being technically homeless.

Luckily for me, I have great friends that let me sleep over or offered to. I was able to move in after just 2 weeks of living out of my car. While I miss my old ward and roommates but this place has been fantastic.

In August I had the wonderful experience of being able to go through the temple. Mom and Dad got to come out and go with me along with other friends who could go. It was a great experience and I have loved every time I’ve gone since.

Soon after that, I got to go with Maddie to get hers before her mission and Lauren and Krista for theirs before they got married. Being able to be there for my friends in their special moments was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world.

On Friday the 17^th, I had an interview for an internship at KSL news and while I was there they gave it to me! They have me doing a hybrid of social media for them and writing. I started on Tuesday and it has been fantastic so far. I go up there in Salt Lake Mondays through Fridays in the evenings. I decided to take the FrontRunner train rather than drive so that I don’t have to deal with gas money, traffic and possibly driving drowsy since I get out late. They gave me a pass for the train and I have been able to do homework during my commute, which is really helpful.

Now that I have this internship, my life is extremely busy. With the internship and the school paper, I now have 18 credits. Depending on the day, I leave my place at 8:30 or 11. I go to my classes and work in the dean’s office and Salt Lake then I don’t get home from the train until about 1am. It is quite a long day but I have managed this week and I m confident that I can handle it all.

For general conference in April, the Orem Institute gets to sing in the Saturday afternoon session. They are the only institute that does not need to combine with another to have enough people. There were auditions since so many people would want to join and they had to be sure that those who would be in the choir could sing.

I felt like I should audition and since they were before I even applied for the internship, I knew my schedule would allow for it. When the auditions were over, I found out that I made it into the choir. I am honored to have this opportunity to bear my testimony through song to the world.

All in all, I am so busy that my only free time is on Saturdays but I am so happy right now. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father is watching over me and guiding me through my life, making sure that I have the experiences, opportunities, challenges and everything else that I need in my life. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

❤ ﭢ ❤